Subject: Humor--too long not at sea

mike williamson (
Tue, 1 Jul 1997 10:40:14 -0400 (EDT)

>A few suggestions on what to do when you get lonely for the sea.
>1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.  Replace the closet door with a
>curtain.  Six hours after you go to sleep, have your spouse whip open the
>curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
>2. Renovate your bathroom.  Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub
>and move the shower head down to chest level.  When you take showers, make
>sure you shut off the water while soaping up.
>3. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and
>rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
>4. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
>5. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night.  Also, have your
>family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
>6. Leave lawn mower running in your living room six hours a day for proper
>noise level.
>7. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
>8. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the
>wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house.  Laugh at him
>when he curses you.
>9. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week.  Store up garbage in
>the other side of your bathtub.
>10. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
>sandwich on stale bread, if anything.  (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup).
>11. Make  up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your
>food cabinets or refrigerator.
>12. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.  When
>it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run
>into your yard and break out the garden hose.
>13. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put
>them back together.
>14. use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or  hours
>before drinking.
>15. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a
>couple of months.
>16. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and
>lie under it to read books.
>17. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sill on your front and back doors
>so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill
>every time you pas through one of them.
>18. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
>19. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking.  Then
>spread  icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
>20. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man
>overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the
>pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your spouse
>for not having the place "stowed for sea".
>21. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in).  Go and
>stand in front of your stove.  Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned
>and ready".  Stand there for 3 or 4 hours.  Say (once again to nobody in
>particular) "Stove secured".  Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

Peter T. Stevick
College of the Atlantic
Bar Harbor, Maine